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my stomach feels really painful now. i think its a stomachache. probably because i insisted on eating my let air(lao hong) biscuits. shit. stomach really hurts. it’s such a quiet night on a4 with the usual gang not around. i don’t even know why i’m in hall on a friday night.

anyway stuff happened today. or rather, everyday. i was feeling shitty the whole day. i just wanted to run back to hall, pack my bags,go home, crawl under my blanket and just die. i am obviously joking about the dying part. no matter how sad or screwed up i feel, i never really felt like i should die. i am of value to this world. i am definitely not indispensable but i know there are people who need me.

i think now more than ever, i am beginning to be aware of my own emotions and mental standings. it scares me like hell sometimes to realize how scared i am of things which i never thought i’ll be. but i guess that is just the beauty of life. i would have said “but that’s just life” if i was writing this a few months back but no, it sounds so much like a resignation. like, sigh just got to suck it up stuff. i don’t believe so anymore. this world is beautiful. the people that make it up are so beautiful. life is beautiful. that is my personal belief. no matter what happens, life is beautiful. if you happen to be reading this, i wish that you’ll be able to find the beauty in your life soon.

ok my stomach really hurts.

i was reading my friend’s blog and she mentioned about how she can’t wait to graduate and get the hell out of school, get a job and just lead a life.it occurred to me how i will never be able to be such a person. i am unable to accommodate myself. i can’t tell myself that i want to hurry be done with school and get on with life. i am completely incapable of living a life without drive and fight. i know sometimes i appear to be damn nua and chill but there is actually a lot of fight in me. i am not a quitter. the reason why i’ve been struggling with myself for the past few months was because i cannot bring myself to quit. every time I’m down, i force myself to bring my feet up and survive. and that is why i was/am in so much pain. it hurts like hell but i know one day, all this pain is going to come in handy. “after all, one can only connect the dots backwards”.

i have 3 midterm essays to hand up, 2 midterms exams to study for, planning the whole OCIP and a life to deal with. i got so scared thinking about it on my bed this afternoon. but I will get through it and so will you (if you think you’re gonna have a tough life ahead). i mean like how many times have i felt like i’m not going to make it, going to just crack under pressure and die but yo dude, i’m still here.

stomach seriously damn pain la screw this shit haha bye.

 

 

You get a strange feeling…

You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.

 

The thing about success, …

The thing about success, is that it requires bravery. Why is that? If we think about all the successful, one-of-a-kind people out there – Steve Jobs, Steven Spielberg, ..etc. – before their success, they did not know what their future was going to be like. This simple fact that the future is uncertain, speaks to me a great deal about the bravery on the part of these people. Their greatest dreams or their greatest fears could be realized – or something else totally unexpected. Simply, they could never know. It was in this uncertainty that they struck out and kept going. The rest of us, knowing it’s a happy ending might think it easy to have that kind of courage. But it wasn’t. So in your life, if you worry about whether everything will be ok – or not, and fret over the uncertainty, don’t worry, you’re not supposed to know. For our generation, we’ve been taught knowledge is power, and information is usually just a click away. Uncertainty for us may be especially daunting. But not knowing is part of the courage that is required for success, and that makes it so rewarding. Things may not make sense now, but they will when you get there. So might as well enjoy the ride, and follow your instincts! After all, one can only connect the dots looking back.

Such a beautiful post by a friend of mine. Brings so much clarity. I need to keep learning like this.

“ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child, created for a purpose. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson

I thought nothing much of this short verse when I got it as a graduating gift back in college. But just about one month back, this verse came back to me again. It was so beautifully presented by my mentor, yee, that everything just got to me at that moment I read it for the second time in my life. 

Things still get to me every now and then. I do fear and I do fail. I realize that I might not be as good as I was last time, or that I might never have been. But I’ve still got that magic in me to make things happen. 

I will keep working on this. I’ve been wanting to talk to yee for the longest time ever, to find some grounding and inner peace. Hopefully in a few years time, I’ll be able to say that this piece of literature by williamson “saved my life twice”, just like how the church of brockhampton saved yee. 

 

 

 

 

Merry christmas.

To you, me and the world. I hope everyone would be happy today.

“当你拥有的时候，你已经开始的在失去。”

“当你不再害怕失去， 你就真正拥有了。”

That’s a lot of truth.

Just about a week more to the end of the year. Like what I’ve posted on twitter recently- it’s not about how you started, its about how you finish. I’ll create more smiles and happiness to end off the year nicely. Don’t think I’ll attend any countdown parties this year. Perhaps meet up with a couple of close friends or just stay home. Feel like I should spend some time with myself, look back at what I’ve doe this year do a rough mapping of how I’ll like to lead my life next year.

I think people see me as just exhibiting more and more weird ass tendencies every day. But I see myself getting closer to who I’ve always wanted myself to be.

Need to find time admist work, settling thearts stuff and cors bidding. Got to run my fats away and read to nourish my impoverished mind.

I might actually take a few years off when I’ done with university to live in the states or anywhere else that I might fancy.I want to meet new people and have new experiences. I want to know how it feels like to not reside in Singapore, to distance myself .from familiarity, to be away from home.

A multitude of factors have led me to conclude tonight that I am tired of the world. I will sleep now and deal with my life when I wake up. Ciaos (I heard a French lady using this word a few days back and it sounds so god damn sexy).

first day of work again.

i’ll blog more frequently these days seeing that its the holidays and I assume that I’ll be free enough to have a post here every now and then.

so do come back here again in the next few days if you’re looking for some of my useless take on issues to read.

i’m using my new starbucks tumbler for the first time today. it’s a customized for my birthday from a close friend. i hope i don’t spoil it or anything.

ended my ts practical exam this morning. probably my first and last time acting seriously on stage. i can’t believed i really pulled everything off. though dr. loon criticized my tone, that it wasn’t loud enough and during q&a he really made things hard for me, i’m very thankful. because as much as we felt he was bringing us down, his points were extremely valid. brought clarity to things we couldn’t see, didn’t notice. enjoyed the whole experience and really happy for myself in beginning to learn how to enjoy every fleeting moment.

very thankful for my ts prac classmates too. we’re so tight. singing songs at the deck, eating clay pot chicken with sunglasses, all that nonsense.

eliz, shafira, joycelyn, gewei, kean, peiliang, xiangli, yiwen, megan, quanmei. they are the reason why i never had monday blues since I started university. love forever.

Need to do up all my ssa2204 notes if not I AM NOT GOING HOME.

its thai day tomorrow! oral, written test and presentation at night.

finals coming up in a week’s time. exciting.